Mark Taylor

Helping teens’ mistakes count

THERE ARE MANY branching paths to learning, but one of the most important is a fascinating tendency of the human brain to latch onto negative experience. Neuroscientists sometimes call it “stickiness,” the unerring tendency of the brain to dwell upon negative experience more than positive.

Now this can be a real hindrance for some, as unpleasant or frightening past experiences cause negative ruminative thinking, depression, and globalized fear and anxiety about the world. But the fact that you are here to read these words is affirmation of the important role negative stickiness has in the evolution of the human brain. Without getting stuck on negative experience, many of our ancestors would not have survived for long.

For example, imagine yourself as an early human hunter trotting along a dusty, dry creek bed in the African savannah. The sun is high in the sky and your mouth has gone dry when you spot some luscious red berries in the shade of a nearby ledge. Popping a handful of the cool, precious berries in your mouth, you are thrilled by a gush of unexpected flavor and much-needed hydration and energy. You move on and later come across a bush filled with bright yellow berries. “Hmmm, those other berries were tasty; I bet these will be just as good,” you might logically think. Without hesitation you pop a handful in your mouth. But this time, the taste is bitter, triggering nausea and prolonged retching, leaving you depleted and weakened.

Which berry do you think will be more firmly wired into your memory? It’s the same reason spotting a twisted stick on the ground will most likely trigger a quick adrenaline punch, whereas you might go all day on the trail seeing straight sticks without a flicker of reaction. One more closely resembles the memory of past negative experiences with snakes.

The humans who didn’t develop and pass on to their offspring this useful proclivity for the negative never managed to pass along their DNA; they ate those nasty yellow berries one too many times.

While it can present some inconvenient hassles, the “sticky” nature of negative memory and experience has undoubtedly served each of us many times throughout life. If you stop to think about it for a moment, you will probably find that most of the really important lessons you learned growing up came as a consequence of an intentional or accidental screw-up. I learned, for example, to be careful with my checking account, not from the numerous parental lectures on being careful with my money but from the four checks I bounced (with accompanying penalty fees) in my first week at college. It’s truly amazing how four decades later the sting of that penalty can still light up my brain circuitry.

Suffering the consequences of negative experience is a valuable parenting tool, but, unfortunately, far too many parents do their best to shield their kids from any ripple of consequence or inconvenience caused by their own actions. Instead, these parents apparently believe that delivery of an impassioned responsibility lecture for the 233rd time is supposed to now make some kind of difference.

In my work with teens and parents I am always excited to hear about a mistake or a really good failure. Knowing that a bad mistake does not necessarily mean a bad kid, I don’t get too stressed out about a kid’s mess-up. That first hefty speeding ticket, or thoughtless splurging of allowance, or getting caught swiping something from the store or skipping a class or even having to repeat a grade due to lack of effort are wonderful opportunities—opportunity to grow and learn from past mistakes. Each of those negative consequences comes wrapped in a whole host of potentially “sticky” lessons that could help a child master a new skill or gain crucial insight about themselves, others or the way of the world.

But what too frequently happens—before much of anything has a chance to stick to the adolescent memory banks— is this: Mom or Dad leaps to the “rescue” by either bailing a teen out or jumping into the middle of the situation to dictate a solution. Frequently parents and other caring adults, like teachers, will shy away from following through on a consequence; they yank the yellow berries off the table of experience. As a result, many teens cruise their entire adolescence without once learning from the noxious yellow berries of their own actions. But just because a parent has swept the pathway clear of those distasteful berries doesn’t mean they don’t exist out there in the real world. At some point, those young adults will be off on their own, down pathways beyond the sight or imagining of the well-intentioned, protective parent and, trust me, those bitter yellow berries are waiting out there.

This is why I have seen the bright, perfectly capable 18-year-old flunk out of the first semester of college or the 19-year-old wind up unexpectedly pregnant. It helps explain how a 20-year-old suddenly has $20,000 in credit card debt or how a 21-year-old’s career path is abruptly and permanently blocked by a felony drug conviction. A parent’s well-intentioned delaying of sticky lessons now frequently leaves a young adult seriously stuck later on.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be lovingly supportive when a son or daughter gets in a jam, and there may even be the very rare instance where we need to step in. I am saying that reflexively fixing it for them—hiding the yellow berries of consequence—leaves them bereft of possible lessons learned and sets them up for even bigger future failure.

Here’s a basic parenting principle for you: A child of any age will always learn more from well-earned, honest failure than they ever will from dishonest success.

And a second might be to leave a few of those yellow berries in the garden of your teen’s experience.

Mark L. Taylor, MA, LPC, SAC, is a licensed counselor who works extensively with adolescents and their families. He also founded the RoundRiver Institute LLC, a learning center near Genoa, WI. He can be contacted at www.round-river2000.com.