Column

The gnome prairie

buddhas, flamingos, and madonnas, oh my!

When in doubt, put in a mugho pine, a yucca and a big rock.” This is a cliché a friend of mine in the horticultural-nursery business uses quite often. She was primarily trained on the West Coast, where people paying for landscaping at least aspire towards
that elusive and ever changing notion: Good taste.

So I thank my lucky stars that I live in the Upper Midwest, where such pretensions, for the most part, don’t exist. Replace the big rock with a pink flamingo, the mugho pine with a glossy painted plywood cutout of a fat lady bending over, and the yucca with
a sweet plastic lamb-shaped flower planter, all placed out front of a mobile home painted in an astonishing color, and we’ll be right at home!

In fact, this particular locale, southwestern Wisconsin, could proclaim itself to be Home Central to Lawn Ornamentation. To heck with being Turkey Capital, or Home of an Astronaut!

When I go down a particular gravel road to work, a black cowboy silhouette leans up against a roadside tree, hand in a wave, to greet me every morning. I think it is nice of him. My brother-in-law used to be a rural police officer and part of his job description was to wave at everyone he passed. He knew he’d been
in the job too long when he waved back at the waving cowboy silhouette; now he’s an electrician (no waving required).

Pink flamingoes have always been a favorite of mine—but only the real, plastic ones, not the newer, “tasteful” wooden ones. I left mine out last winter, and unfortunately they have faded to a less vivid shade of hot pink than I would prefer.

They do make an impression. I’ll never forget, when I was living in London, what a colleague of mine asked me about after his trip to Canada. He saw the strangest thing in people’s gardens.
Of course, they were pink flamingoes. I let him know that we had flocks of them in Wisconsin as well.

And then there’s the painted plywood cutouts of chubby ladies bending over to display their voluminous bloomers. Rumor has it,
south of town here in Viroqua, one neighbor who was feuding with another put a full row of these mooning ladies up on the
property line. This is just a rumor though. I didn’t see it with my own eyes.

The lawn ornament that seems to be the most threatening to the
taste police, however, is also one of the most ubiquitous—The Gnome. Gnomes digging, gnomes flying flags, sleeping gnomes, gnomes pushing wheelbarrows; they’re always doing something.
That fits in with the all-American work ethic, doesn’t it? Then why are they so reviled? They’re just trying to fit in!

Did you know that the Super Wal-Mart is selling concrete Buddhas this year? They also have a very good selection of concrete Madonnas, if you’re looking.

Personally, I think I’ll pass, but then I’ll be busy. I’ve just acquired a brand new used tractor tire. I’ve got to paint it white and fill it with pink petunias—a vivid pink. My garden palette needs compensation for the loss of color on my flamingoes!

Ann Morrison lives in Viroqua with her
partner, Jim, and her daughter Judy. Ann
is the former owner of Designscapes and is
working on a novel.