Dear Prudence

Save the animals!
And the money will take care of itself

Dear Prudence,

My guest rooms are full of toy stuffed animals. They sit looking pretty in baskets. My baby is 22 years old and does not live at home. When is it all right to give away the toys of her childhood?
—Empty Nester Mom

Dear Mom,

You’re obviously ready to let the critters go, but worried about your daughter’s thoughts on the matter. She may not be in a permanent home right now where she has room for the zoo, but she might want to keep her collection for the day when she has children of her own.

If you can hold on a while longer, it might be therapeutic to allow your daughter to dispose of the creatures herself. She might actually enjoy finding special young friends with whom to share her childhood confidantes. Or, she might take a sentimental trip down memory lane packing them away, dreaming of her future offspring as their eventual owners. Though it’s tempting (and I say this as one who is often tempted!) to clear clutter away as soon as possible, some objects can serve as symbols for entire periods of our lives. Encourage your daughter to revisit her childhood through the ritual of fuzzy friend relocation. While she’s sorting, make a pot of tea so she can share her memories with you afterwards. This simple act can ritualize the new stage you have moved into together—from mother and daughter to friends.

Dear Prudence:

I love my wife. I really do. I just don’t like the way she spends money. She doesn’t seem to get that there’s a limit to the budget. It’s not like she’s selfish about it. She gets stuff for me and the kids, mostly. But I’d rather have money in the bank than stuff I don’t need. When I talk to her about it, her feelings get hurt. I just want her to see reason— in black and white and RED !
—Heading to the Poor House

Dear Poor:

Each person has a primary way of showing love, with its roots in their childhood. I’m betting your wife’s father or mother had a habit of bringing home treats or toys, and your wife has fond memories of those gift-giving moments. She’d like you and your children to know how much she loves you, and this is her learned way of sharing that emotion.

Try starting a discussion with, “You know what really makes me feel loved by you?” You can tell her that you really like backrubs or love notes in your pillowcase, and she can tell you that she likes surprise romantic dinners. Then, when she’s tempted to buy something for you, she can stop herself and say, “Is this what he would really want, or am I giving him what I want?” Read The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman together for further exploration.

At the same time, it might help you to re-examine your attitude toward money. If you believe that thoughts can create reality, you might want to change your tune and start singing your gratitude for your current abundance and appreciate your wife’s free and happy attitude toward finances. A scarcity mentality might not be your best ally in your quest to maintain security. The issue isn’t whether there’s enough money (she hasn’t broken the bank), but your own level of stress around it. See if you can relax a bit while your wife, for her part, tries to restrain herself. It isn’t a matter of right and wrong. It’s a matter of both of you seeing the value in each other’s perspective.

Dear Prudence ponders the big questions from her Viroqua township home. Please send questions to dearprudence@kickapoofreepress. org, or P.O. Box 265, Viroqua, WI 54665. Letter writers remain anonymous.