July's Dear Prudence
Grieve your divorce…and examine your own role
Dear Prudence,
It’s been four years since my divorce, but I still hate my ex-husband. It gets in the way of new relationships, either because I talk about him too much and it scares people off, or they do something that reminds me of him and I overreact. I know I should just get over it, but he hurt me so much. I was so good to him, and look what it got me! How do I move on?
—Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Before you can fully move on from any life-altering experience, it’s useful to give it your full attention for a time. Right now, it sounds as though you’re trying to live a new life when you haven’t fully processed the old one. I suggest you dedicate some time—even one weekend—to looking back on your marriage and deciding how to move forward. This time should be focused on you, not on him. Right now your work is to feel whole again.
There’s still a part of you crying out to be acknowledged for all the efforts you made at partnership: honor those efforts! A ritual you create yourself can work on a deep level. As you begin your weekend, write a list of all the things you did to make the marriage work and to make your husband happy, then celebrate them in some way—light a candle for each item on the list, for example, then journal by the glow of the candlelight.
Afterwards, if you’re ready, begin looking at how you played a part in the problems you two had, even if it was only marrying him in the first place. Did some part of you know he was unreliable before you married him? Why might that have been attractive to you? Did you cling to him so tightly he felt smothered? What might have made you fear abandonment? Don’t criticize yourself for these realizations, just acknowledge them. Treat yourself mercifully.
Next, make a plan to nurture yourself on a regular basis. Knowing how to make yourself happy will put less pressure on your new relationships, but the real reason to do it is because you deserve it! You’ll find lots of opportunities for support and nurturing in our community, from breath- and bodywork, to exercise, to counseling, to a florist with a packed greenhouse. Take advantage of these, and let yourself heal. Treat yourself as you want others to treat you, and you’re well on your way.
Dear Prudence,
What do you do when your offspring start driving you batty?
—Going Nuts
Dear Going Nuts,
My guess is that it’s not your children driving you batty, it’s your own unanswered needs. A centered, happy parent is better able to foster centered, happy children. If you’re feeling batty, so will they and you’ll keep feeding each other that same diet, continuing the cycle. Reorganize your life, if you can, to get some creative, nurturing time for yourself. If not, find places you can go and activities you can do with your children that you find enjoyable and relaxing. Water is always a good idea because it’s soothing to everyone and endlessly entertaining. Make these enjoyable activities a priority and push other duties off your schedule for a while. Kids have a pinpoint-accurate radar for stress, so the more you can minimize it in your world, the less they will have to react to.
Depending on the age of each child, you might want to have a respectful discussion with him or her in which you acknowledge that your stress is your own issue, but there are some things he or she could do to help you out: like not begging for lollipops before lunch, or playing the drums during certain hours. Try finding the positive aspects of whatever stages your children are in. You can appreciate the self-assertive “No!” of the toddler or the increasingly logical argumentative powers of the adolescent if you feel peaceful yourself. (Really!) Pair up with another parent for support and trade-offs. We’ve all felt this way at times. Recognize that it’s a phase. You’ve got great kids, and you’ll recognize it again soon!
Send Dear Prudence your questions at Kickapoo Free Press, P.O. Box 265, Viroqua, WI 54665 or at dearprudence@kickapoofreepress.com. All letter writers remain anonymous.
